


Year Nine

by bellasgonemissing



Category: Lovely Little Losers, Nothing Much to Do
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Second Person, pre-nmtd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 13:51:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8535655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellasgonemissing/pseuds/bellasgonemissing
Summary: Pedro and Balth's relationship in year nine.  Each chapter is a new month and a new development in their relationship.  AU





	1. January

**Author's Note:**

> So I don't know if anyone even reads Pedrazar fic anymore but I love them a lot so I wanted to write about them. I've written heaps of Pedrazar but haven't liked it enough to upload it anywhere. This is my first fic on ao3 so hopefully it's okay. (:

Was when we first met. It was the first day of year nine. Second period, history. I got to class before you did, I think you were talking to your friends outside. There were still a lot of seats left when you came in but you sat next to me. I wondered why you did that. You were cooler than me. On the football team, you had a girlfriend. Everyone knew you were going to be student leader. You were an all round great guy and all I had going for me was music.  
We didn't talk that first lesson. I don't think you really noticed me. At least not in the way I noticed you. The way your hair was flicked to the side and your eyes seemed focused on the teacher while not being focused at all. But I think you must have noticed something, otherwise you wouldn't have spoken to me the next day.  
We were told we had to sit in the same seats. I don't think either of us was particularly disappointed about that. It's funny that if the teacher hadn't have said that we would barley know each other. We would never have spoken. I would never have been to your house and you would never have been to mine. I wouldn't have written you any songs and I wouldn't be in love with you. Or maybe you would have sat next to me anyway. I don't know.  
But that day was the first time we spoke  
"Hey, I'm pedro by the way" you turned to me and stated. I think I teased you later for the 'by' bit. I didn't expect you to talk to me, I stumbled over my words, awkwardly introducing myself.

Our first real conversation was about music. I was listening to Fife and the Drums on my phone and you commented on it. Said they were one of your favourite bands. We talked about our favourite music. I was glad. I could talk comfortably about music. I didn't stumble over my words. I told you about my music. You said you wanted to hear it. I promised you would one day.  
I think that was when I starting liking you. I would say it was when we first sat next to each other but I don't believe in love at first sight. But I went home thinking about you that day, like I would so many days after that.

Neither of us liked our teacher. Mrs Eaves. That's how the note passing started. It was the fifth week of school. The fifth week of hearing that boring drone, pretending to listen.  
I could see you writing something in my peripheral vision. You passed it to me. It was lyrics to a Mumford and Sons song. One that I casually said I liked about three weeks ago. Sigh No More. On the back it said 'play it for me sometime?'  
I smiled. You actually wanted to hear my music. You were actually interested in me. 'Don't set your standards too high. I'm not that good' I scrawled, passing it back to you.  
'I'm 100% sure you'd be better than this boring drone' you wrote in tiny writing underneath.  
"If you two don't stop writing silly notes to each other you'll be writing very apologetic notes to me in detention!" Came Mrs Eaves screeching voice.


	2. February

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened in February

Was when we started seeing each other outside of class. We had gotten to the point where we could confidently call each other friends. We had received too many detentions to count for talking in class but it just meant more time to spend together so we didn't really mind. We still passed a lot of notes. I kept all of them. I still have them somewhere under my bed. I don't think I could ever throw them away.

It was sunny February day and the bell had just rung to signal the end of history.  
"Hey Balth" you got my attention.  
"Mmm"  
"Um I just - do you want to hang out at lunch? You don't have to it'd just be nice to see you outside of class but um yeah I know you're usually with Ursula but -  
You seemed nervous. I understood that. I would have been nervous too. And it reassured me. Reassured me that you were a normal person. You weren't confident about everything  
"Hey it's fine" I stopped you "I'd love to"  
You seemed relieved. I tried to seem cool. 

I'd told Ursula I would be with you. She didn't mind, she knew I had a crush on you. she said she would be with Hero. I was happy about that.  
You met me at the football pitch. I could barley hear anything over the shouts of other kids and the strong wind that was now picking up  
"Hey"  
"Hey"  
"It's pretty loud" I said  
"I know somewhere we can go" you told me  
You led me behind the pitch using such a small path you couldn't even tell it was there if you weren't looking for it. It opened out onto a small patch of grass with dappled sunlight coming through the tall trees. The sounds of the football pitch were almost completely blocked out. I didn't know a place like this existed in the school  
"Wow, this is really nice" I said  
You smiled, "I thought you would like it"  
You sat leaning against a tree, gesturing for me to sit beside you.  
"I found it last year" you told me "I usually come here to be by myself when I just don't really want to be around anyone else"  
"Oh I um don't want to be intruding" I stammered  
"It's fine" you assured me "I want you to be here "your not as... I just like you a lot okay"  
My heartbeat went crazy when you said that. I knew, or at least tried to remind myself that it was just platonically.  
"I kind of like you a lot too" I murmured  
Oh god, should I have said that? What should I have said to him? What is he thinking? I needed to calm down. I liked you, you would never like me.

I didn't calm down though. I remember noticing everything you did in that hour. Your mannerisms. They way you tapped your knee and picked at your fingernails. The words you repeated often and what you were saying when your eyes flicked away from mine. And I loved all it. I loved everything you did. I wasn't in love with you. Not yet. But I was definitely completely infatuated.  
I remember Ursula falling in love with Hero this way. She told me all the little things she did that made her like her. Now Ursula's so in love it's hard to imagine that it started as a meaningless crush.  
We talked a lot that lunch. After that there were times we didn't talk at all just enjoyed being there in each other's company. A comfortable silence. Silence that didn't really seem quiet. But that lunch we talked a lot. You talked about soccer, I talked about music. But we also talked about what we wanted to be and what we had been and how how we felt about being what we were now.  
I was so disappointed to hear the sharp sound of the bell ringing. To be jolted out of the peaceful conversation and having to leave the quiet haven you'd shown me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably be updating this weekly but don't hold me to that
> 
> Sorry the dialogue is so bad. I'm terrible at writing it


	3. March

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what happened in march

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing this thinking it would be really fluffy but idk it didn't really work out

Was when you came to my house for the first time. It was a Wednesday after school, we'd planned it a few days ahead. We caught a bus and then walked home like I did on any other day.  
No one was home when we got in. I led you up to my room and we both sat on my bed.  
"I don't think I've ever seen this many instruments in this small of a space before" you said  
I laughed, shrugging.  
"Well why don't you use one of those twelve guitars over there to play 'Sigh No More', you said you would show me"  
"Okay I feel like that might have been a slight exaggeration" I protested  
"Hey are you going to play it for me or not?"  
I don't think I wanted to. I worried I wouldn't live up to your expectations. I thought you might think I was better than I actually was and you'd be disappointed. Maybe you were only being friends with me because you were under the impression I had some sort of talent. And I just really wanted you to like my music. It was the one thing I actually believed I was decent at and if you didn't like it....  
"Uh yeah okay, I'm really not that good though." I said, reluctantly 

Two minutes later I was sitting cross legged on my bed, a guitar in my lap, strumming out the first few chords of the song. You weren't making a sound, only watching my fingers dance on the frets.  
I tried to relax into the song. Not worry so much about who was watching me play. When I had finished you burst into overly enthusiastic applause.  
"I wish I was as talented as you" you said  
I smiled shyly, pulling my sleeves over my hands  
"Or I least just wish I could play any kind of instrument, I've always been rubbish" you continued  
"Well I mean I could teach you" I was getting more confident now that I knew you thought I was genuinely good  
Your eyes lit up at that, then you tried to act like they hadn't. "Uh yeah, that would be cool", you really didn't sound off hand.  
I smiled and you came to sit next to me. I passed the guitar to you and you struggled to get into the right position. It took your hand and guided it gently onto a fret. A buzz coursing through me from the touch.  
"Okay now strum"  
You played each string in turn, pressing your finger harder on the fret when the sound didn't come out right.  
"I'm so baaaad" you groaned  
"Hey don't be so hard on yourself you've doing this for like two minutes" I said  
You kept trying and after two more strums you made the correct sound  
"Okay let's try another one"  
After still not getting it you fell into my shoulder. "Why can't I do this!" You said, muffled by the fabric of my jumper. My heart beat faster.  
"Give yourself a chance, you can't be good at it straight away" I consoled you.  
I placed your finger on some different frets.  
"Press down harder when you strum" I advised  
This time you got it on the first try. You seemed pretty proud of yourself  
It went like this for a while. I showed you where to put your fingers. You strummed hesitantly but looked so pleased with yourself when you did it well. I loved the way you looked to me for reassurance. The way you laughed. The way you moved. Every time I touched your hand I just wanted to hold it and not let go. I never wanted you to leave. I just wanted to stay in that moment, holding your hand.

Soon you'd be able to come into my room and collapse on the floor. Play with my instruments absentmindedly. We'd be able to sit in silence for hours without it being awkward at all. My house would become a second home to you. You'd feel even more comfortable there than your own.


	4. April

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened in April

Was when I came out you. Or something like that. You'd been to my house a lot since that first time. You were pretty comfortable there by now. You were even more comfortable with me.  
There'd never really been anyone else home though. Occasionally Jojo or twins might come by for a couple of minutes, awkwardly acknowledging you.  
This was the first time my mum was home. It was Wednesday. We were walking to my house together as we'd made a habit of doing. My mum was in the living room working on her computer. She stood up when saw us  
"Hi Balth, who's this?" She asked  
"Pedro" I gestured to you, you waved putting on that confident persona I now knew wasn't entirely you. "He's been over a few times but you weren't around"  
"Well hi Pedro, sorry I haven't been here before. When did you guys meet?"  
You took the lead, that false confidence coming out. "A few months ago in history" you told her. "We bonded over combined hate for our teacher....and Bath's like really cool" you added as an afterthought.  
Mum laughed a bit. I blushed a bit  
"So are you two dating or.....?"  
My hands started to shake, I pulled my sleeves over them to try and cover them. I was pretty sure I blushing furiously, my heart rate increased. You were looking down at the beige carpet but I could see red on your cheeks as well.  
"Oh um sorry I didn't mean to-" mum started  
"It's fine, we're just gonna go upstairs okay", I took your arm and half dragged you up the stairs.  
You flopped onto my bed, I sat more tentatively next to you. You must have seen how nervous I looked because you placed a hand on my knee and said "it's fine Balth. You're stressing way too much"  
I gave you a small smile "so you're not going to ask?"  
"I won't if you don't want me to"  
"You could ask"  
You sighed, your hand still on my knee. "Okay, why did your mum assume we dating?" I knew you already knew the answer.  
"I'm kind of gay" I mumbled.  
I was so scared in the second that it took you to reply. I had no idea of your view on the subject. You could hate me. We could lose our friendship. God I didn't want to lose our friendship. And that glimmer of hope I had of dating you would be diminished.  
"Your kind of gay" it sounded a bit like a question  
"Kind of a lot gay" I was still hesitant  
"Oh my god don't be so scared! You exclaimed "did you really think I wouldn't like you because of that"  
"Well I mean -" I started  
"It's cool Balth, it's cool"  
Relief flooded me. My stomach untied itself. I gave a huge sigh. "Okay"  
"Okay"  
I smile grew on your face. It was catching. We were both smiling madly when you enveloped me in a hug.  
I think I genuinely stopped breathing at this point. I decided your arms were my favourite place to be. It felt like nothing else mattered in your arms. I felt protected. Safe. Nothing would be able to hurt me again. I could easily have stayed there forever.  
But then it was over and at least your eyes were still shining and I wasn't pulling my sleeves over my hands anymore and everything seemed a little bit brighter than it did yesterday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's April. Sorry it's so short it just seemed like a good place to end it. Also do you like all my 'kind of a lot' references cause I do


	5. May

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what happened in may

Your house was very different from mine. Where mine was a flurry of noise with five kids, your house was quiet and subdued, people only talking when it was absolutely necessary.  
Your room, unlike the rest of your house was messy and unorganized, with clothes strewn over the floor and posters hanging off the walls  
There was kind of fort on one side of the room, over what I think was your bed.  
“yeah sorry about the mess” you apologised “my mum’s always bugging me to clean it but I kind of like having a messy room” you glanced over at me “you’re probably judging me so hard. Your room is always so organized”  
I laughed “of course not” the only thing I could ever judge you on is how great you are, I could barely imagine thinking you were bad or not as good as me in any way.  
“so I kind of made a fort” you said awkwardly  
“yeah wow okay”  
The inside of the fort was a mess of even more blankets and pillows, a couple of books scattered around, fairy lights strung up and soft music playing from your laptop.  
“okay wow” I said, now slightly more in awe  
Five minutes later we had Flight of the Conchords and a block of chocolate between us as we settled  
into peaceful non communication. There was so much I could have said then. So much I did and didn’t want to say at the same time. I wanted to tell you that it meant everything to me to curled up with you there, our breaths a quiet whisper and the loudest thing in the room at the same time. Your leg resting against mine and our hands brushing. The show’s soundtrack sounding like the most perfect music. But of course I didn’t want to tell you that. Of course I didn’t want to tell that although my heart was racing from your faint touch I felt more comfortable then I did anywhere. I didn’t want to tell you that your breathing felt like the most important thing and your laughter the most precious. I didn’t want – I couldn’t want to tell you how much I liked you. How much I liked you more every time I saw you. How I could I feel myself sinking, sinking into a hole I would not be getting out of anytime soon. A hole I hoped I wouldn’t have to get out of. But you were straight and would never like me so I should just stop having these thoughts before I got any deeper and actually started to fall in love with you. Oh god fall in love with you. No that was not going to happen. I was not going to fall in love with my best friend.  
Neither of us had realised how late it had gotten but there was still no one else in the house. You shuffled a bit from the very close to me position you had been in  
“hey, ah maybe do you want to sleep over?” you asked, speaking sounding kind of foreign after being silent for so long  
“yeah, I mean if it would be okay with your mum and all”  
“she probably won’t even notice”  
So an hour later I was lying on the floor of your bedroom after having talked with you for a long time, about school and football and music and friendship and stars and space and life I couldn’t help but think about how it felt to be with you. Talking to you felt so different from talking to anyone else. There was a different buzz, a different sort of quiet energy. I felt different being around you. My heart beat differently. Your presence made my chest constrict but more than that it made my mind unconstrict, like I can pour out any thoughts like writing a song without having to think so much about the lyrics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't updated in so long sorryy. I wrote this chapter about three times but it never worked and even now it pretty much all just internal monologue and it's super short but idk   
> I've got an idea for another fanfic so hopefully I'll hopefully be able to post that at some point as well


	6. June

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what happened in June

Was your birthday.  
Ben asked me about it a couple of weeks before, wanting to know if we were doing anything. It caught me kind of off guard, I hadn’t really talked to Ben much, I’d only had a couple of classes with him, all I really knew was that he was friends with you and Ursula knew him pretty well through Hero.   
“so I was thinking we could have like a party or something” Ben informed me on a Wednesday afternoon, cornering me after English, a class that we shared together.  
“we?” I questioned   
“well you’re hanging out with him all the time, you’re like his best friend now” Ben said   
Me? His best friend? He was by now, my best friend but I never even considered that I would be that much to him as well.   
“so can I give you my phone number and we can talk about it?’ he asked   
“ah yeah, do you want me to ask him about it, see what he wants to do?”  
“are you mad? It has to be a surprise party of course” Ben exclaimed with more enthusiasm than I knew was possible when talking about somebody else’s birthday.  
“oh yeah, of course that’s…obvious” I said, digging my hands into my pockets.   
-  
That Friday Ben approached me while I was working on a song at lunch.   
“hey Ben”   
“hey, so I was thinking, the party should be pretty chill like we only his invite his friends, not just everyone and what do you think we should do for music and food?  
As he continued to list things we needed I could tell he really cared about making this as good as it could be for you. He seemed like a really great friend. So great that I could never even hope to be better. I knew I would always be a second choice for you.  
By the time lunch ended we had come to solid conclusions about the music, food, decorations, times and who we would invite. I didn’t really understand why Ben wanted me involved so much, you had so many other, better friends, but I was glad he did. Ben could be a little bit much but he was very fun to be around.  
-  
With the Friday, the day of your birthday looming ever closer, I got more anxious about the prospect of getting you a present. It had to have thought put into but I didn’t want to come off too desperate. I asked Ursula what she thought and after brushing off most of her suggestions because they just weren’t the right thing she suggested I write you a song. At first it seemed like too big of a thing to do, I didn’t want to it to seem like I’d put a huge amount of thought into it – which of course I had because it was you and I just wanted to make you happy – but I figured I could play it off as a kind of joke.   
So for the next couple of nights I sat in my room first trying to think of the perfect lyrics, ones that weren’t too deep and thoughtful but were just enough for you to know that I cared and had tried to make something for you, and then on the right chords progressions, something slightly upbeat but slow at the same time. I got so anxious, changing everything I did four or five times trying to get it perfect for you because you deserved nothing less than perfect. You’d done so much for me, you’d made my life so much better, you made me feel amazing, like I was actually important for once and I wanted to thank you for that. My family kept asking who I was writing it for. I wouldn’t tell them because I knew they would make assumptions. I knew they would tease me, in a harmless way, for having a crush on you and I don’t think I was comfortable enough with liking you yet for that. I wouldn’t show it to you at your party. There was no way anyone else could hear it, apart from maybe Ursula, especially since I still didn’t know your other friends very well. No I’d play it for you on one of the times you came to my house, which were becoming more and more frequent over the past weeks.  
I spent quite a lot of time with Ben over the next week, sometimes with you there and sometimes without. I was starting to get more used to the without times. Making new friends was a rare occasion for me, Ursula being my only real friend for years before I met you. Ben and Claudio were very enthusiastic about having me around, Ben maybe more so. I was glad for the company and probably because they were your friends more than anything and you were and always are going to the thing I care about most.  
-  
Friday was your birthday. You came to my house after school as was now sort of customary for Friday afternoons. After complaining for a bit about our new history assignment I told you I had something for you.  
“something for me?”  
“yeah, y’know for your birthday – I um wrote you a song” I stumbled through my words   
“oh my god really? That’s awesome” you said, sounding genuinely excited to hear it   
“ah yeah but it’s probably not even that good though, I –“  
“if it’s something you wrote there’s no way it can be anything but amazing” you interrupted   
I didn’t reply to that, just picked up my guitar and tried not to blush, my head reeling from the complement. I tried not to think about you being there just concentrated on the guitar and the pick between fingers, trying to play the song as I had played it so many times over the past week. But my hands still shook no matter how hard I tried to still them and my heart still raced no matter how much I reminded myself that it was only you. Only you. But you were so much. You were so important. Music in the end though, was comforting and just for a moment I could forget that importance and just play and sing my way through a song that meant a lot to me and I hoped, would mean a lot to you too.  
After the final chord I looked up but only to be met with the polyester of your t-shirt and your warm skin against my own. And again I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of safety and trust. I hugged you back, breathing in your scent. My anxiety ridden brain was confused at first but came to the conclusion that this was a good reaction.  
You pulled back from me, just a bit “thank you so much. That was……wow” and then you hugged me again and so much relief washed over me, you had actually liked it, more than I even hoped you would from what it seemed like.  
“I’m glad you liked it” a pause. A quickened heartbeat. “you mean a lot to me Pedro”  
You smiled. Softly and then not as softly. “you mean a lot to me too Balth, my life is so much better with you in it”  
-  
Saturday was the day of your party. Your mum graciously let Ben, Claudio, Hero and I into your house to put streamers and balloons up. Hero had made about twelve different kinds of baked goods which Claudio praised her on a bit too much and Ben had found some way to incorporate birds into the decorations much to everyone else’s dismay. People began arriving around 6:00. There weren’t many people invited but just enough so it wasn’t too intimate (which I was very thankful for) Ben, Claudio, Hero and I obviously as well as Ursula, Meg, Robbie, Minnie, Elsie, Georgia, Hugh, Clarisse, Sally and Tony.   
Ben repeatedly insisted that we all hide and jump out at you which was met with a collective groan from the guests over the extreme cheesiness of the situation and I could imagine you would be groaning too. I didn’t think anything about this would be something you would particularly like. But it all happened anyway and we all surprised you although in the end I don’t know how surprising it ended up being. Relatively good music was turned up and people began chatting about unimportant things. Hero and Ursula only had attention for each other, laughing at jokes that only they would understand. It made me so happy to see Ursula so happy, she’d had a crush on Hero for so long and I really hoped things would work out for her. I never understood how she felt when she would talk about Hero, marvelling over something insignificant she had said or being mesmerized by the way her hair fell over her shoulder or her eyes when she smiled. “hey Balth” a familiar voice brought me back to your living room  
“oh hey Ben”  
After a few minutes of uninteresting conversation about how great of a success the party was, the conversation, of course, turned to you.  
“Pedro’s been spending a lot of time with you lately, I feel like I never see him anymore” he said   
“oh well yeah I mean he’s really cool and we’ve just been getting along really well” I tried my best to pretend that’s all it really was.  
“he really likes you too. He talks about you all the time, it’s like he has a crush on you or something”  
”oh um…..” I averted my eyes feeling my cheeks getting warmer   
“I ship you guys so much” Ben continued “you’re like my OTP”  
“you…ship us? What’s an OTE?” I asked, beginning to get very confused  
“OTP” Ben corrected “it’s like the ship you…”  
Don’t get him started” your voice broke through our conversation and it didn’t stop until it got to my heart.   
you had mock annoyance in your voice but your eyes were sparkling and maybe I could understand how Ursula felt about Hero. I couldn’t understand until I met you and then suddenly I was noticing your hands when you tied your shoelaces and that you were always biting your nails and then those things became the most important things in the universe and I found myself wanting to tell everyone how amazing they were and how amazing you were. And then I felt kind of jealous that Ursula had been able to experience that for long because it was so extraordinary and so wonderful but I also felt bad for her because it also felt like drowning. It felt like I was constantly drowning in you and I would never find the surface and I can’t decide if it’s better being able to see the beautiful things under the sea or being able to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally a chapter that's over a thousand words ! this is a little bit different from normal and now this fic's half finished woah


	7. July

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Balth and Pedro go to the fair and things go slightly wrong

Was when the annual fair rolled around. 

It was mid-July, which meant the fair was coming around. I stopped going a couple of years ago; going on the same rides 10 years in a row gets old. You had made a kind of tradition out of it though and when you asked me if I would go with you, there was no way I was about to refuse.   
It turned out to, luckily, not be raining the week of the fair. You were so excited it was adorable, but that wasn’t really a change from the way you usually were. The grounds were packed, mainly with kids about 6 years younger than we were but that didn’t faze you at all. I laughed as you took my hand and pulled me towards the closest ride. 

You dragged me to almost every ride at the fair. I became acutely aware of the pulse in your wrist and the lines in your hand. Too aware. I was always so aware of everything about you. You were a classical painting, every detail a piece of art.

We of course had to get that kind of sickly fair food. You bought a huge stick of fairy floss and you looked so adorable, the spun sugar sticking to your nose.   
I imagined how different this would be if I wasn’t stuck in some sort of unrequited love thing. I mean, not love, I’m not in love obviously. Obviously. But I can’t help but imagine what this day would be like if things were different between us. If, instead of holding my hand only to drag me to rides, you held it all the time, just because you wanted to. I thought about how our hands would fit together in that way. In a different world where I was not so incredibly anxious and you were not so incredibly straight, that could work. But not here and not now. Not us.

We played those games that are way too expensive and definitely not worth it like knocking over bowling pins to win a stuffed animal. I felt like you might be a little too skilled at them. Your intense enthusiasm made me smile though, for your reputation of being cool and suave, you really were a dork, it’s what made me like you so much.

As morning rolled into afternoon and more people started arriving, eager to enjoy the heat from the sun beating down onto the immaculately trimmed lawns. We climbed onto our fifth ride of the day, a rollercoaster, looking slightly worn and tacky. I had never been scared of rides but I leant into you all the same. From the peak of the rollercoaster we could see the whole park laid out beneath us, the paths like a child’s train set and people looking so small and unimportant. It was hard to imagine that each of those tiny specks had their own lives. Reasons for them to have been there and days of living and speaking and moving that led up to that day. It was hard to imagine each person complexly but that is exactly what you have to do to make your own life important, to make the world a kinder place. It felt as if the whole world was underneath us. We were on top of it all and for all the complexities of others, your life seemed like the most interesting. The fact that I was a part of it blew me away.

We braced ourselves to plummet down the track that dropped out in front us but the lurch in our stomachs never came. We were stuck. Everyone around us was mumbling to each other, confused. I looked at you. You sat clutching the handlebars in front of us, looking worried. Pedro Donaldson actually worried, it was a sight to behold. Surprisingly, I felt barely anxious. I guess being stuck at the top of rollercoasters wasn’t the kind of thing I usually got worried about. An announcement was made to not panic and that they were doing everything they could to fix the problem and get us off the ride as soon as possible. As soon as possible turned out to be quite a long time. I knew you were trying really hard not to panic so I took your hand to calm you down. You held mine tightly, as if your life depended on it, which, out of everything in the situation, was what made me actually nervous. I tried to distract you by talking about something apart from that the fact that we were eighty metres above the ground. As everyone else had stopped freaking out as much, you calmed down a bit too. You never loosened your grip on my hand though, not that I’m complaining. To make matters worse, it started raining. The sun had been shining a second ago but now there was water seeping through my t-shirt and freezing the air. I shivered.

‘Well this is shit’, you stated  
‘Damn it, yeah, what are chances of this happening?’ I replied. 

I privately thought that it could probably be worse though because you were huddled close to me so that I could feel your skin, littered with goose bumps, pressed against my own. 

After what was probably, several more minutes but felt like several more hours of sitting in silence, trying not to look down or at anyone else, I glanced across at you. You seemed to be completely lost in thought.

‘What are you thinking about?’ I asked.  
You smiled at me. ‘Just that I’m really glad that if this had to happen, it happened with you’.

I could feel my chest start to melt. ‘Yeah?’ I don’t know how anyone could look so beautiful with raindrops dripping down their face and hair plastered against their forehead but you managed it somehow.

“Yeah, like you’re so calm and nice to be around. I never have to worry about anything when I’m with you – I mean I am kind of still freaking out right now but not as much as I would be if you weren’t here. But just generally, I just don’t feel like a have to put up a façade for you. With everyone else I feel like I have so much pressure and expectation put on me to be perfect, my parents are already talking about how I’m going to be student leader and captain of the football team and everything. And I think I want that but maybe it’s just that that’s what everyone else wants me to be so I feel like I should be it, y’know?’ 

I didn’t really know. My family and friends had never really been that way with me, the only pressure I felt was pressure I put on myself, which, to be fair, was a lot. But it made me feel important that you to were able to act that way around me and I wanted you to be okay. I was glad I could be something for you like you were for me.  
‘You don’t have to be anything, no one, at least the people that matter, will care if you do anything less than they were expecting. You don’t have to be some kind of exception to the ‘nobody’s perfect’ rule. You can have flaws. You can mess up, even if it doesn’t feel like that sometimes. And if you want to be football captain or whatever, that’s great, but you’re not living your parent’s life for them, you’re living your own.’ I told you.

You sighed, smiling at me weakly. ‘Yeah, I’ll try to remember that’ you said, squeezing my hand.  
They were finally able raise this crane-like machine up so that we could escape from the roller coaster. The rain had stopped now and you breathed out deeply once we were on solid ground as if you had forgotten to draw breath for a while.   
‘Are you okay?’ I asked.  
‘Yeah, yeah, I’m fine’ you replied, flustered. ‘Are you?’  
‘I’m more than okay’ I smiled at you,  
Because of course I was more than okay, I was with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah this is finally finished. I wrote and rewrote this chapter so many times, not sure where I wanted it to go so I'm so happy it's done. I've been writing a bunch of stuff that isn't pedrazar fanfic in the meantime


	8. August

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Balth has a mental breakdown and does some impromptu baking?

By August, you were coming to my house almost every day. You would walk home with me and we would talk or do homework sitting on the floor of my bedroom. Often, we didn’t need to say a word to each other, it was enough to just be in each other’s company. I think it was easier to work with you around, maybe not so easy to concentrate as I kept getting distracted by the way your mouth moved or your slanting handwriting. But I got so used to you being around. You started slipping into the cracks of my life, always there, only a text away. Conversation with you became more comfortable and I felt myself fall into a calmer way of being around you. Afternoons spent, laughing singing along to music with you rather than constantly worrying if I might say something wrong.  
Sometimes Ursula and Hero would come over as well and we would play board games or Hero would attempt to teach us to bake which always ended in unrisen cakes and a complete mess of a kitchen. I remember one Saturday when Hero coaxed us all into baking this extremely complicated éclair recipe. It was doomed to fail almost immediately. We had to substitute half of the ingredients and we didn’t have any of the right measurements. Hero, being Hero of course, did not look even look remotely frustrated when I cracked eggshell into the bowl or you poured flour more onto yourself than into the mixture. There were a few exasperated sighs, however:  
“Oh my gosh that is not how you use an electric mixer.’  
‘Do I look like a person who knows how to use an electric mixer to you?’  
‘It’s just cutting up chocolate, it shouldn’t be taking this long!’  
‘Hey, this is actually really hard!’  
‘Honestly, do none of you know how to cook?’  
‘Obviously not!’  
It didn’t help with Ursula and Hero smirking every time you smiled or even faintly touched me. Their suggestively raised eyebrows didn’t help my reddening cheeks when I noticed how cute you looked with flour on your nose.

By late August, you were spending more nights at my house. These nights started off being slightly awkward with me trying not to be constantly blushing and being stuck in a uncomfortable place of not talking but feeling like we should be. Over time, silence between us became completely not uncomfortable. Silence became a soft and gentle thing that didn’t feel weird at all. Sometimes if there was no one else in the house, I was able to play my guitar while you did homework or read a book on the other side of the room. You might ask me to play one of my songs for you, which I did hesitantly because they were usually about you. We had to read The Taming of the Shrew for English class and neither of us were enthusiastic about it and really couldn’t be bothered to read it all. We came up with a system of reading alternating chapters to each other so we only had to read half the amount. Once we finished that book, we made a kind of tradition of it, reading whatever book we happened to be reading at the time, aloud to each other. These were so quiet and solitary moments, something that was only ours, something we never mentioned outside of when the seconds of them were passing. Soft voices mingled together with soft music and urge not to wake anyone else in the house up.  
It was in these moments that I thought that the things I felt for you could maybe be a little bit more than a high school crush. When you laughed at something I had said or spoke to me softly at 3am. Because those were the times I felt like I could spend every day with you and never get bored of your company. I never wanted to be alone when I was with you, which is something that my introverted self couldn’t say very often. Where other people drained my energy, you gave it to me. I’m not saying I was irrevocably in love with you then, I hadn’t ‘fallen’ for you, exactly. I don’t think I had known you long enough, I was yet to discover your intricacies and minor details.  
I told Ursula about this in the last week of August, or rather, Ursula told me. I kind of ended up gushing about you to her frequently, with her, in turn, frequently gushing about Hero. I think she had been in love with Hero for a while, they had known each other since kindergarten, so I guess she knows more about it.  
‘It sort of sounds like you’re in love with him’ she said  
I shifted uncomfortably, pulling at the blades of grass that danced around our feet where we sat. ‘I don’t know about that’ I replied.  
Because of course I wasn’t in love with you, I couldn’t be in love with you because this was just infatuation. She said that so simply but it was the most complicated thing I could imagine. I was a firm non-believer in love at first sight, or anything close to it and I think that it hurt too much to be love. Everything I’d heard about love at been this big moment, where fireworks explode in your heart and there are sparks and you feel like you’re floating and you just know. What I felt about you was nothing like that. It was more of a splutter than a firework, more like being tied down to the earth than floating. As much as it was so nice to have a crush on you, it was also an ache, a dull ache that wouldn’t budge, no matter how hard I tried to pull it from my chest.  
‘You talk about him like you like you are’.  
‘I don’t know what that’s so supposed to sound like’.  
So maybe being in love isn’t as simple as just ‘being in love with him’ and there doesn’t need to be a level of love to match up to. I kind of wished there was though. Some sort checklist or guide to tell you how to be in love. That would make it a lot easier. I just wanted to know what to do, because right then, I was completely lost. Lost in a whirlwind of so many thoughts and feelings that just never made sense. I wished I could stop loving you but at the same time, loving you was my absolute pleasure and I was so glad I could feel that way for someone. I was glad that someone was you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is such a mess but I'm just gonna go with it
> 
> I made a discord server to talk about webseries! join here: https://discord.gg/ZAuZub8


	9. September

Was when you came out.   
The incessant drone of Mrs Eaves voices faded to a quiet hum in the back of my mind as we sat in history class. I honestly didn’t know how anyone in there was managing to pass as I’m almost certain that not one of them was paying the least bit of attention to anything she said. My mind was drifting in the direction of potential song lyrics, while you were doodling something in your notebook. You were an amazing drawer. The sketches that you could produce in five minutes were a hundred times better than anything I could do in five hours.  
There were others in the class who weren’t being so subtle about not paying attention unfortunately. A rowdy conversation was beginning among a group of boys, the people who usually hung on Mrs Eaves’ every word and got A+’s on all the pop quizzes she sprung on us. They were discussing their homophobic views on marriage equality, save for one boy who was trying to calm them down. I felt my stomach drop the way it always did when I heard people talk like this. You slide a scrap of paper under the table to me, pressing it into my palm. This was a common occurrence now, we spent every history lessons passing each other notes and trying not to draw too much attention to ourselves.  
“I’m sorry, this sucks” the crumpled paper read.  
It did really suck. To have people be so against a part of you hurt.  
“It’s fine” I scribbled back “I can put up with it”  
“You shouldn’t have to”  
After the boys were shouted at by Mrs Eaves once she realised they weren’t listening to her, you very hesitantly began to write a second note. I glanced over at you while pretending to take notes. You quickly passed the note to me and averted your eyes, finding a piece of loose string from your jumper extremely interesting. I smoothed out the creased paper, which had been folded about a billion times.  
“And I kind of get it too” it said  
I tried to stop my mind from buzzing too much. That clearly didn’t mean anything. You were just trying to be empathetic. You looked really nervous though.  
All I could I could bring myself to write on the back of the paper was a bunch of question marks.   
After more pausing to pretend to listen, you wrote back a note in super neat handwriting.   
You placed it on my desk and I unfolded it, my confusion increasing.  
“I get it” and then down the bottom in smaller writing “because I’m also not straight™”   
This time the buzz in my head was far too out of control to numb. Freaking heteronormativity. I always assumed you were straight which I guess was also to stop myself from hoping that anything could ever actually happen between us. Not that that changes now. So I shouldn’t be so irrationally happy about this. So my heart should not be trying to escape my ribcage. So I should not be so zoned out I forget that you’re probably freaking out right now and I should be saying something to you.  
“Hey that’s cool, you don’t have to panic” I manage to say to you, quietly.  
“Yeah, yeah I know it’s fine, telling you, you’d obviously be fine with it. It’s just…my first time saying that to anyone” you breathed.  
I was the first person you told.  
You trusted me that much. I found that hard to believe. I surely didn’t deserve that.  
“Talk about this later?” I asked, after more shouting from our teacher.  
\-------------------------------------  
Later, at lunch, we sat in the spot you had shown me a few weeks after we first met, surrounded by fallen branches and leaves.   
“So um yeah” you tried to speak, awkwardly, fiddling with your hands.  
I laughed, neither of us knowing how to start the conversation.   
“It feels good to finally tell someone that” you finally sighed.  
“You’ve been thinking about it for a while?” I questioned   
“Uh, yeah.” You said, “I just feel like my parents wouldn’t be that cool with it so I didn’t want to say anything”   
“Oh, that’s sucks, I’m sorry” I didn’t know what to say.  
“Yeah, its fine though, I’ve got you to talk to about it to at least” you smiled weakly.  
I smiled back. My heart filling with helium.  
“And like I thought I needed to have something to come out as, y’know? Cause I have no idea what my sexuality actually is right now, cause I definitely still like girls, I just maybe like a p- other people too”   
My heart tripped over itself from the stumble in your words, but I think I was getting pretty good at not showing when my heart is losing it’s balance.  
“And that’s absolutely fine, you don’t have to have anything figured out right now, or ever” I smiled at you “and I’m glad you felt okay telling me”   
“Thanks for being someone I can tell this stuff to” you replied.  
\----------------  
“What’s got you looking like that?” Ursula grinned at me as we walked home from school, kicking stones along the cracked footpath.  
“Looking like what?”  
“I don’t know, like something’s Happened,” she ventured.  
I wasn’t about to out you so I just grinned and kept walking “I don’t know what you’re talking about”  
\--------------------------------  
A few weeks later, you, me Ursula and Hero were sitting together at lunch. The conversation had turned to our collective gayness  
“How are none of us here straight though?” Ursula said.  
“Um what about Pedro?” Hero pointed out.  
“Oh yes how I can forget our token straight friend™”   
We look at each other, attempting to mute laughs.   
“Well I’m sorry but you don’t have a token straight friend anymore,” you told Hero and Ursula. I was not expecting that.  
“Oh dammit” Ursula laughed   
“What a surprise” Hero muttered   
“I know right, I just cannot believe it” Ursula turned to Hero in mock astonishment.   
You spread your arms in protest. “Uh guys that was supposed to be a Big Moment, I don’t appreciate your japes”   
“Oh Pedro, we’re very proud of you” Ursula said as she and Hero bear hugged you.   
So maybe we were still in the exact same place as we were before this, or maybe we had moved, just the slightest amount. I don’t think I minded though, wherever we were. Because it was enough to be in a moment like that one. With three of the best people I know, laughing and smiling and being absolutely comfortable in each other’s company. I grateful for that moment and sharing it with you made me feel like the luckiest person in the universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay its been kind of a long time since I posted and I don't really like this chapter, especially the ending but here we are


End file.
